When I wrote this song I felt so overwhelmed with insecurity that I wanted to get it all out. 

I wanted to have a song I could perform when I didn't feel confident enough to perform anything else.
Something to fall back on when I couldn't play my cool artist persona. 

A laundry list of things I don't like about myself isn't hard to live up to after all. 

And I don't have to carry it around like its some secret and be burdened by it if I put it in a song and perform it in front of everyone.  

I wrote it in two pieces, months apart. 

Funny enough, the hook is a transplant from another unrelated song. 
It just so happens that it fits perfectly in this one.

I did some reflection as I wrote, recorded, made the video, and since its been out. 
And I was lucky enough to catch up with a friend going through something similar and see it from the outside.

They were so worried something was seriously wrong with them. And they vented for quite a while about so many seemingly disparate but actually related tensions in their life.

What I have come to understand about myself and this song is that many of the issues and troubles I list in it have common roots.

I believe what myself and my friend have in common is that we are ambitious and hold ourselves to a very high standard. We strive to do everything and do it all at a high level.

It manifests as a bit of perfectionism, a tendency towards wanting to control things, and a lot of negative emotion when you and your projects, and other people fail to live up to your unattainable standards - or seemingly “obstruct” your goals.

We try to bend the world to our will 24/7 and do more things than are possible for any one person to do. 

This naturally will burn anyone out, and lead to a great deal of insecurity as you ruminate on your shortcomings and flaws constantly. Normal human struggles become ruinous to your sense of self worth.

I certainly have things I could work on, but the state I found myself in what more a symptom of being too hard on myself than it was of any individual insecurity.

I am still learning how to work on myself without beating myself up along the way.

The producer Drumdog made the beat for this song.
I went out to Music in Focus studio to have it recorded, mixed and mastered.

Tatianna Francesconi directed the video for this song. A conversation that stated off with me seeking styling help, ended with her sharing a full blown narrative she had in mind. She was so excited about the idea, I decided to go for it and see it through.

Dennis filmed and edited the video. He was able to capture all of the tricky lighting, transitions and effects perfectly. 
We used the Prism lens Handheld Kaleidoscope FX Filter to accomplish some of the interesting FX you see.

Destin McMurray was our Key Grip.
Lindsey McMurray was our production assistant.

They were both extremely helpful it making the whole thing look effortless.

We borrowed someone's home for our first bedroom scene.
The studio and stage scenes were shot at Crooked 2th Studios in Fort Worth.

What I grew to love about the video is it illustrates the construction of “Sin”. As I continue to make music, I am starting to understand and internalize more that my artist persona is as much a piece of art / a creation as the music itself.

That its ok to not be that persona 24/7 and still embody it onstage. I have heard Dennis and other smart music industry folks refer to music being like the WWE. Each wrestler has a story and a character they play, many with real roots.

And I am not someone who sees modern cameras, and video sets across the city, and wardrobe and models and post production and thinks to themselves “let me be down to earth”. That just simply doesn't appeal to me.

With all that creative freedom, I want Sin to be larger than life, flyer than fly, cooler than cool. Sin is a star. This is a Hollywood film. 

I genuinely enjoy being able to create a world for Sin. At times a hedonic lucid dream. At times an opulent movie set. Songs like Gymnast give you a glimpse into this universe that Sin inhabits, as will others to come.

And the Not a Fan video shows you the everyday person getting into character, becoming Sin. Its a visual reminder to me that everyone is in on the joke. Its wrestling. And hopefully it serves as validation to others that we're all a mess behind the scenes.

Hope you enjoy the track!

Talk soon,

- Sin

P.S. Because I have to say this somewhere -the chain is fake. The big one anyway. My two basic silver ones you see in many videos are real. That big piece from this video that looks iced out is 100% fake and was just for the look. Not that anyone thought my 2,000 monthly listeners having self could actually afford that. I just had to get it out lol